I'm pissed but I can't show it. I'm sad yet I can't cry. I'm making a mask to cover my emotions. I feel like I was already taking my first step backwards, back to how I was before. I'm trying my best to keep my posture as I do this but one thing is different for sure. I wasn't crying so badly like I did, but the tears were all contained in my heart, which felt like it's going to explode every second, every minute, every day when I opened my eyes. I felt like disappearing from this world for one day. I felt like planning an escapade to somewhere far.

I don't want to feel the need to babysit someone. To look after someone. To be cautious and aware of the actions of someone. I felt tired. I feel like it's sucking from the core of my energy even when I'm already breaking down. Sometimes I feel like giving up. All the times I hope there would be a better one out there.

Knowing too much is a poison to yourself. But I can't keep my hands off of the pool of "knowledge". I really wanted to know. I wanted to be in the clear zone. I don't want to be clouded all the time. But even though I know that the truth may hurt more than never, I still run towards and leap into that poisonous pool. No one is there to save me. No one can save me. No antidotes for the poison, just bearing with it until it goes away by itself.

So the question is how much longer can I stand? I feel so much yet I can't describe that kind of odd feeling in me that I felt last time and starting to feel now. So what is that feeling? What is this word I'm searching for?

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Should I make this into a private blog? Since I don't intend to earn money from it. Hmmm

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve! Going to follow baby boy to his friend's house for BBQ. Heard it's going to be a late party counting down the seconds to Christmas Day. The 2nd thing I'm looking forward to is New Year's Eve. Why? Have you heard the first of the year? Yes, I'm waiting to kiss my baby boy on New Year. xD I know I know, we kiss every time we meet. But it's New Years that makes that ordinary kiss seems so special!

An ADVANCE MERRY CHRISTMAS and A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU! Will update again tonight. =)

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I guess blogging is and will remain the best place for me to let it all out. I've been like a barrel full of water with continuous flow-ins all the time. No outlets what so ever. I feel like I was about to explode, emotionally.

First it was the thing about money. I don't get a stable monthly allowance. I only get it when I'm being asked if I needed any. I just don't have the gut to ask from my parents for money that I will be spending easily on pop corns and sodas which they have earned so hard. I just can't.

So that made me a dull Jac(k). Not much outings with friends. Not even a single ringgit to spend on some roti canai and a cup of milo. So pathetic. Yet I still have to crack my stupid brain for gifts on Christmas Day. What a complete bummer this December. I remember having a good time last Christmas in Hong Kong. I'm so depressed because of money. Sigh. And I have to tell my mom we have to pay the school fees with our own money first because the loan won't come after the due date of the bill. Stupid loan.

Then I was feeling really sad and depressed. Recently I got by this gay couple's profile in Facebook and I went through their photos. I thought to myself, even gay couples have a "couple album". Me? After nearly 2 years not even a single one. But I comforted myself by going through the sweetest straight couple's photos and told myself that they don't have one too so I don't have to be sad over this.

Having someone might be nice and sweet. But sometimes when that someone isn't what you expect him to be, you just feel like you bought a fake Rolex watch for the original price. Felt so un-special when Christmas is so near. No it's not about the gifts. It's about the feeling. Sigh can anyone understand my language??

I used to let it all out to him, telling all my frustrations and problems, not needing him to solve but JUST TO LISTEN, but he don't get it. He felt the need to help me and solve them for me. Yes, I understand the situation he is in, but at the same time I hope he does too. Once I expressed my emotions to him and he just couldn't take it anymore which really snapped me back to reality.

I must close myself and sew back the crack that I've opened so widely for him before. Now I felt the need to contain all emotions from him and not letting him know. Kind of reverting back to the old me, in hopes to exclude the emo part. I might bring a small part of him with me today. I will show only happiness, enshrouding the dark and sad parts of myself from him. Feels like suicide but somehow I feel like I'm feeding again. At least I'm feeling again. At least I'm back from zero gravity. Sometimes people need to remind themselves that you are living in a real world, not a fantasy. That's what I'm doing.

I don't know if this time my writings have changed or it is more difficult to decipher the words in between the lines. I do hope to see my baby blog grow again. But for that to happen, it's either with good happy stories or bad sad ones. Which is to say, I think the bad and sad ones is here to stay for quite some time first... =') I'm crying, but I'm smiling. Do you understand?

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