No, why?

All of a sudden I just felt like all hope is gone. Not bit by bit, but instantly, at one go. It's as if life just stopped like that. Like there's no meaning anymore. Am I lost? I don't feel like I am, but it seems like I am. Am I just numb? I can't tell. Maybe I am. I need excitement in life, and I know I'm packed with all the busyness I could possibly get, but it's so dull. All these busyness is dull. Or I'm just tired?

I didn't want to be a SuperWoman, but it's not like I can't. I know I can get whatever thing I want if I charge forward with full positivity and optimism. But no, it doesn't mean I have to become one. Even superheroes need an arm to be wrapped around at night. I don't really want to start feeling love-sick. I'm not through with pampering myself yet. Don't really want to or need to have someone to pamper me, but still, there'd be times when I wished that someone would text, give me a surprise just like yesterday. Shit. No, I don't need someone. I'm fine by myself. I'm fine.

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Where's The Happiness We Agreed On?

your reply is in a mess at this moment in time, 
i thought of the pigeon beside the fountain,

the sweetness is scattered.

a mysterious tugging of my emotions 
i'm still loving you.

but you continued singing pretending that nothing has happened.

time has passed and left, 
love is faced with a choice.
you've become cold and i've cried
 the unhappiness you felt when you left, 
you just wrote them down on a card.
sometimes love can only be like this and it's really painful.

what happened, you're tired, where is the happiness that we agreed on?
i understand, don't say anymore, love has weakened, my dreams have drifted. being happy or not, narrating them one after another, you cant bear it. those feelings of loving were way too deep, i can still remember them.

you're not waiting anymore, wheres the happiness that we agreed on?i was wrong, tears have dried, we've let go, we've regretted. 
only that musical box of memories still continue to turn,
 how can it be stopped?

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I know

People have been telling me and saying the same things. Why do you want to be with someone that constantly make you cry and isolated? He is not your husband, certainly not someone who feeds you or that you depend on to live. So why? 

Why, you people ask me?

I have no idea. Maybe love is still blind for me after 2 years. I can't deny my feelings. But I agree, I've suffered. I'm in pain. I'm deeply affected by littlest things by him. Be it good or bad. I tried hard to keep cool with everything. But it's really difficult. It really is.

I surrender. I'm not giving up trying, but i give up trying to act cool with it. I've my feelings to be taken care of. He wouldn't. I would, but I need time, I need more energy, more confidence.

My head hurts from all of these, but I just want to solve it now. I don't want to delay it much further. He just wants to put it aside and pretend it doesn't exist. What about me? Doesn't he care to think how I may be feeling? How I'm doing?

I'm scared of being common or same as others. And I definitely won't admit loss to people that I've surpassed. It may seem like my situation is heading the way as it did with others, but inside, I hate it. I hate how similar it is going to be. I hate getting the same treatments be it good or bad. I hate getting the same ending just like any other. I hate them all. Which was why I strive to make things myself. Create my own ways, my own behavior. But in the end, it's all the same result that I get. And I hate it. 

My heart is heavy. It's been heavy for the past few weeks. It's been close to a month already. I don't know how he feels towards me. It's been a confusing month. In just one conversation there can be two judgement. One positive and one negative. 

I simply hate the way he treats me. I hate the way he thinks. Things have to end. 

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Ok LO...

What? "Ok lo"? You know what? Fine. Nevermind. I don't need your "sigh-need-to-accomodate-to-your-needs" kind of attitude concerns. I don't need your help. As if fetching me out for dinner is something painful to your ass.

I'll just eat apples instead for few days and get in shape. Then go look for other good guys. Nice?

I don't remember expressing my "mm songness" to you whenever you asked me for a favor. Like what the heck? So hard to do just to bring me out dinner?

I just had a row with my mom and we are both not on talking terms anymore. So she does her things separately and yeah, she never bothered cooking my portion of dinner. Nevermind. I'll just have apples.

I'll never, ever ask you for favor, even if I'm on the brink of dying. Never. I'll do things my own, I'll settle my problems myself. You give so many hidden excuses noting to me you don't want to drive me out to dinner or what not. Nevermind. I'll remember this. So difficult. Yes. And you're having your own sweet dinner outside. Good.

Very good. Talk so much but you could do almost nothing from what you said. I'll just reject every outings you ask me to go. I don't feel like going even the least, then sorry I'm not going out. Since you can't even sacrifice a little. I can't sacrifice anymore to you. I sacrificed too much.

ok LO makes everything so different. And so fast. I'll try saying OK LO I go take lo. You like it? If you don't intend on doing anything then don't fucking say you're going to do this or that. I hate empty promises.


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The Things I Do, The Things They Do

For days I've been having suicidal attempts at home. For hours I've been coped up in my room.

Why do I still o the things for them when it's not being appreciated? I still get scoldings, I still get humiliated, I'm still not respected. So why is it that I'm still doing everything for them? All the while they were being so calculative towards me.

This feeling of being uncared for is stripping my tear ducts out. I feel like stabbing myself with the knife I see when I enter the kitchen. I feel like cutting myself when I glanced through the scissors on my study table.

You asked me what's wrong, and all I could say is nothing when on the inside I'm actually crying for help. I'm crying out to be cared for. I'm crying out to be loved. But what do I get? I get scoldings from people closest to my heart. I'm simply pushed aside by them, thinking I'm nothing to them.

Every night I enter my dreams and I'm happy. But when I wake up, I just don't want to wake up. In this real world, no one understands me. No one knows what I need, even if I told them.

My whole life I lived like a slave, a servant. I serve others. And others just laugh at me. Laugh at my dumbness, my stupidity, my appearance, my confidence, my everything. You leave nothing to me. Take everything and leave me crying.

I have no more to give. I can't give. I can't even give myself the respect I need. Stop talking bullshit to me. I know they are not real and sincere. I'm another tool to be used by you.

I understand now. I'm a problem to everyone. Thanks to you, I understand now.

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I Want

I don't understand. I don't know why. Why? Is it who? Why? Why? How? I don't want I don't want.Why? What? Why?

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I'll shut my mouth. I'll keep everything to myself.

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