What? "Ok lo"? You know what? Fine. Nevermind. I don't need your "sigh-need-to-accomodate-to-your-needs" kind of attitude concerns. I don't need your help. As if fetching me out for dinner is something painful to your ass.

I'll just eat apples instead for few days and get in shape. Then go look for other good guys. Nice?

I don't remember expressing my "mm songness" to you whenever you asked me for a favor. Like what the heck? So hard to do just to bring me out dinner?

I just had a row with my mom and we are both not on talking terms anymore. So she does her things separately and yeah, she never bothered cooking my portion of dinner. Nevermind. I'll just have apples.

I'll never, ever ask you for favor, even if I'm on the brink of dying. Never. I'll do things my own, I'll settle my problems myself. You give so many hidden excuses noting to me you don't want to drive me out to dinner or what not. Nevermind. I'll remember this. So difficult. Yes. And you're having your own sweet dinner outside. Good.

Very good. Talk so much but you could do almost nothing from what you said. I'll just reject every outings you ask me to go. I don't feel like going even the least, then sorry I'm not going out. Since you can't even sacrifice a little. I can't sacrifice anymore to you. I sacrificed too much.

ok LO makes everything so different. And so fast. I'll try saying OK LO I go take lo. You like it? If you don't intend on doing anything then don't fucking say you're going to do this or that. I hate empty promises.

Jac

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For days I've been having suicidal attempts at home. For hours I've been coped up in my room.

Why do I still o the things for them when it's not being appreciated? I still get scoldings, I still get humiliated, I'm still not respected. So why is it that I'm still doing everything for them? All the while they were being so calculative towards me.

This feeling of being uncared for is stripping my tear ducts out. I feel like stabbing myself with the knife I see when I enter the kitchen. I feel like cutting myself when I glanced through the scissors on my study table.

You asked me what's wrong, and all I could say is nothing when on the inside I'm actually crying for help. I'm crying out to be cared for. I'm crying out to be loved. But what do I get? I get scoldings from people closest to my heart. I'm simply pushed aside by them, thinking I'm nothing to them.

Every night I enter my dreams and I'm happy. But when I wake up, I just don't want to wake up. In this real world, no one understands me. No one knows what I need, even if I told them.

My whole life I lived like a slave, a servant. I serve others. And others just laugh at me. Laugh at my dumbness, my stupidity, my appearance, my confidence, my everything. You leave nothing to me. Take everything and leave me crying.

I have no more to give. I can't give. I can't even give myself the respect I need. Stop talking bullshit to me. I know they are not real and sincere. I'm another tool to be used by you.

I understand now. I'm a problem to everyone. Thanks to you, I understand now.

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I don't understand. I don't know why. Why? Is it who? Why? Why? How? I don't want I don't want.Why? What? Why?

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I'll shut my mouth. I'll keep everything to myself.

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I find myself looking for someone for solace. I feel like laying on my bed for long hours dismissing all the things and decisions I have yet to make. I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm terrified. I'm so much more. I don't want to think about it. But I have to do something. I don't know what are the consequences to the choices that I will need to make. I wish I could just laugh things off and be free with my friends.

I really want someone who knows my situation and tell me exactly which option to choose. I really don't want to go through it again and again. I don't want to regret either. Its always a bliss when everything seems fine. But I know things are not fine at all. I just don't know what is not fine. I just feel that something is not right.

I don't want to be confronted about anything right now. I just need some time alone to myself. I really need to think carefully and think deep. You don't know the level of fear I'm going through every single day of my life. With every decision and impacts that comes from it. And everything that has happened. I need more time. I don't feel right like this. Not now.

I want to be busy with things, but will I concentrate? Can I concentrate being busy? I doubt so. I'm doubting myself already, again. Am I stupid? Am I helpless? Am I stubborn? Why don't I listen? Why can't I just leave it there when it's done and over? I'm really scared!! BUT WHO THE HELL CARES AND UNDERSTAND??? THIS IS MY EFFING LIFE!!

I don't want to look back and regret making the choices right now. I don't want people telling me it's too late to know that my decision was wrong. Why burden me with your "I-Told-You-So" look? I just need good advice!! I just need some good guidance!! Not someone who doesn't even know how I feel, what I'm going through! Don't pretend you know everything and tell me what is best and what's not! You don't know anything at all!! Not one incident is ever the same! Who else can I trust?? Who else can I confide in?? Nobody can help me but myself! And how am I supposed to do that?? Don't fucking take my hand and try to guide me when it's all about you in the end. Don't be so selfish! Why so goddamn selfish? I just want a clear map... A map to where I really want to belong...

I want to concentrate on better things but I can't. This decision is weighing me down. I'm really tired and exhausted listening to the same thing over and over again when it doesn't even help me by a bit! I'm really really exhausted... Really really tired...

Can I isolate myself, and if I do, can I just disappear from you after that? Because I know what happens when I'm gone.

Jac

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I knew it was all a big prank joke when my friend told us she is in a relationship. I could smell something fishy going on, and the smell grew stronger this morning when my sixth sense told me to be prepared for the big prank. And I was correct. It IS a big prank. No relationship, no boyfriend, no proposing, no holding hands, no nothing. Just a big fat prank. Congrats Crystal. My condolences Denise. Ivy, the moon is quite round tonight.

I miss my...

I miss you.

I know you're going to say it's another post that makes me sound like I'm vain and cheap or slutty whatever. But.

I really miss having you beside me. I really miss the touch of your hands and your firm shoulder. I miss your soft cheek. I miss your smell. I miss your eyes. I miss everything. You're not the only one that misses everything. I miss them too. I just don't want to tell you and let you know. You'd just say I'm faking it or lying.

Sometimes I get frustrated inside not because of you. But because I want to make you feel better, to make you lower your stress, but I just can't. I know working is difficult. It's a tough world out there. I know why you ask me never to skip class and study hard. I know this is my last chance of study life, especially uni life. I don't want to burden you. I don't want to add on to your stress. I know I've told you this plenty of times before and you're almost sick of hearing it. But sometimes I wonder if your life would be so much easier without me pulling your hand back. I don't want to burden you.

I'm not thinking about negative things. But I do admit I think a lot. I always try my best to take away your stress and tensions. I know I'm not the perfect person to ease your troubles, but I'll always be ready when you need me. Though I may not be exactly right beside you in an instance when you call but I'm always here. I don't know if you feel it too. But I've gotten really attached to you.

I'm sorry if my actions sometimes comes off to be scary and in love. Maybe I am crazily in love. Maybe I want you more than you and I both know. I used to think if the way you used to feel about me was the same as the way I felt about E with his messages and calls that appears to be annoying to me. that time I really thought if I was annoying to you. I felt like the need to withdraw myself from you that time. So that you won't be scared off by me, just like E did when he knows I'm scared off and annoyed by him.

No, I'm not thinking about negative stuff. I just have to let this thing off my chest. It's been there for so long that it was taking over me. I don't need you to always be there for me. But I want you for myself only. Am I being scary again? I hope not. I hope that you want and need me for yourself only too.

You've earned money from work, and you should enjoy it. The reason why I never wanted you to buy gifts or stuffs for me is because I felt like you never reward yourself from all your hardwork before, and I really want you to reward yourself with the money you earn. Don't spend your hard earned money on something or someone that you are not sure will last until the gates in Heaven opens for you (when you're old). Reward yourself, pamper yourself with your hardwork. I want to pamper you, yes, but I have yet to earn a penny. I'm trying really hard to earn. All I could do in terms of pampering you is to give you my full love and support. It's the only valuable thing I have, and I hope you could bear with it until I could give you more. I want to give you more.

Nobody can really understand how I feel with all these things going on around me. Nobody but me alone. Every decisions, every things I do, every step I make, I feel for it. I feel a thousand kinds of feelings everytime I do something. It's just the way I am I guess. I can change it, but it will take time. Will I still be me then?

I post too much tonight. Really sleepy and tired now. Good night.

Jac

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