Mixed Up Feelings

I find myself looking for someone for solace. I feel like laying on my bed for long hours dismissing all the things and decisions I have yet to make. I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm terrified. I'm so much more. I don't want to think about it. But I have to do something. I don't know what are the consequences to the choices that I will need to make. I wish I could just laugh things off and be free with my friends.

I really want someone who knows my situation and tell me exactly which option to choose. I really don't want to go through it again and again. I don't want to regret either. Its always a bliss when everything seems fine. But I know things are not fine at all. I just don't know what is not fine. I just feel that something is not right.

I don't want to be confronted about anything right now. I just need some time alone to myself. I really need to think carefully and think deep. You don't know the level of fear I'm going through every single day of my life. With every decision and impacts that comes from it. And everything that has happened. I need more time. I don't feel right like this. Not now.

I want to be busy with things, but will I concentrate? Can I concentrate being busy? I doubt so. I'm doubting myself already, again. Am I stupid? Am I helpless? Am I stubborn? Why don't I listen? Why can't I just leave it there when it's done and over? I'm really scared!! BUT WHO THE HELL CARES AND UNDERSTAND??? THIS IS MY EFFING LIFE!!

I don't want to look back and regret making the choices right now. I don't want people telling me it's too late to know that my decision was wrong. Why burden me with your "I-Told-You-So" look? I just need good advice!! I just need some good guidance!! Not someone who doesn't even know how I feel, what I'm going through! Don't pretend you know everything and tell me what is best and what's not! You don't know anything at all!! Not one incident is ever the same! Who else can I trust?? Who else can I confide in?? Nobody can help me but myself! And how am I supposed to do that?? Don't fucking take my hand and try to guide me when it's all about you in the end. Don't be so selfish! Why so goddamn selfish? I just want a clear map... A map to where I really want to belong...

I want to concentrate on better things but I can't. This decision is weighing me down. I'm really tired and exhausted listening to the same thing over and over again when it doesn't even help me by a bit! I'm really really exhausted... Really really tired...

Can I isolate myself, and if I do, can I just disappear from you after that? Because I know what happens when I'm gone.

Jac