Happy April Fools Day

I knew it was all a big prank joke when my friend told us she is in a relationship. I could smell something fishy going on, and the smell grew stronger this morning when my sixth sense told me to be prepared for the big prank. And I was correct. It IS a big prank. No relationship, no boyfriend, no proposing, no holding hands, no nothing. Just a big fat prank. Congrats Crystal. My condolences Denise. Ivy, the moon is quite round tonight.

I miss my...

I miss you.

I know you're going to say it's another post that makes me sound like I'm vain and cheap or slutty whatever. But.

I really miss having you beside me. I really miss the touch of your hands and your firm shoulder. I miss your soft cheek. I miss your smell. I miss your eyes. I miss everything. You're not the only one that misses everything. I miss them too. I just don't want to tell you and let you know. You'd just say I'm faking it or lying.

Sometimes I get frustrated inside not because of you. But because I want to make you feel better, to make you lower your stress, but I just can't. I know working is difficult. It's a tough world out there. I know why you ask me never to skip class and study hard. I know this is my last chance of study life, especially uni life. I don't want to burden you. I don't want to add on to your stress. I know I've told you this plenty of times before and you're almost sick of hearing it. But sometimes I wonder if your life would be so much easier without me pulling your hand back. I don't want to burden you.

I'm not thinking about negative things. But I do admit I think a lot. I always try my best to take away your stress and tensions. I know I'm not the perfect person to ease your troubles, but I'll always be ready when you need me. Though I may not be exactly right beside you in an instance when you call but I'm always here. I don't know if you feel it too. But I've gotten really attached to you.

I'm sorry if my actions sometimes comes off to be scary and in love. Maybe I am crazily in love. Maybe I want you more than you and I both know. I used to think if the way you used to feel about me was the same as the way I felt about E with his messages and calls that appears to be annoying to me. that time I really thought if I was annoying to you. I felt like the need to withdraw myself from you that time. So that you won't be scared off by me, just like E did when he knows I'm scared off and annoyed by him.

No, I'm not thinking about negative stuff. I just have to let this thing off my chest. It's been there for so long that it was taking over me. I don't need you to always be there for me. But I want you for myself only. Am I being scary again? I hope not. I hope that you want and need me for yourself only too.

You've earned money from work, and you should enjoy it. The reason why I never wanted you to buy gifts or stuffs for me is because I felt like you never reward yourself from all your hardwork before, and I really want you to reward yourself with the money you earn. Don't spend your hard earned money on something or someone that you are not sure will last until the gates in Heaven opens for you (when you're old). Reward yourself, pamper yourself with your hardwork. I want to pamper you, yes, but I have yet to earn a penny. I'm trying really hard to earn. All I could do in terms of pampering you is to give you my full love and support. It's the only valuable thing I have, and I hope you could bear with it until I could give you more. I want to give you more.

Nobody can really understand how I feel with all these things going on around me. Nobody but me alone. Every decisions, every things I do, every step I make, I feel for it. I feel a thousand kinds of feelings everytime I do something. It's just the way I am I guess. I can change it, but it will take time. Will I still be me then?

I post too much tonight. Really sleepy and tired now. Good night.

Jac