your reply is in a mess at this moment in time, 
i thought of the pigeon beside the fountain,
the sweetness is scattered.

a mysterious tugging of my emotions 
i'm still loving you.
but you continued singing pretending that nothing has happened.

time has passed and left, 
love is faced with a choice. 
you've become cold and i've cried the unhappiness you felt when you left, 
you just wrote them down on a card. 
sometimes love can only be like this and it's really painful.

what happened, you're tired, where is the happiness that we agreed on?
i understand, don't say anymore, love has weakened, my dreams have drifted. being happy or not, narrating them one after another, you cant bear it. those feelings of loving were way too deep, i can still remember them.

you're not waiting anymore, wheres the happiness that we agreed on?i was wrong, tears have dried, we've let go, we've regretted. 
only that musical box of memories still continue to turn, how can it be stopped?

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People have been telling me and saying the same things. Why do you want to be with someone that constantly make you cry and isolated? He is not your husband, certainly not someone who feeds you or that you depend on to live. So why? 

Why, you people ask me?

I have no idea. Maybe love is still blind for me after 2 years. I can't deny my feelings. But I agree, I've suffered. I'm in pain. I'm deeply affected by littlest things by him. Be it good or bad. I tried hard to keep cool with everything. But it's really difficult. It really is.

I surrender. I'm not giving up trying, but i give up trying to act cool with it. I've my feelings to be taken care of. He wouldn't. I would, but I need time, I need more energy, more confidence.

My head hurts from all of these, but I just want to solve it now. I don't want to delay it much further. He just wants to put it aside and pretend it doesn't exist. What about me? Doesn't he care to think how I may be feeling? How I'm doing?

I'm scared of being common or same as others. And I definitely won't admit loss to people that I've surpassed. It may seem like my situation is heading the way as it did with others, but inside, I hate it. I hate how similar it is going to be. I hate getting the same treatments be it good or bad. I hate getting the same ending just like any other. I hate them all. Which was why I strive to make things myself. Create my own ways, my own behavior. But in the end, it's all the same result that I get. And I hate it. 

My heart is heavy. It's been heavy for the past few weeks. It's been close to a month already. I don't know how he feels towards me. It's been a confusing month. In just one conversation there can be two judgement. One positive and one negative. 

I simply hate the way he treats me. I hate the way he thinks. Things have to end. 

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What? "Ok lo"? You know what? Fine. Nevermind. I don't need your "sigh-need-to-accomodate-to-your-needs" kind of attitude concerns. I don't need your help. As if fetching me out for dinner is something painful to your ass.

I'll just eat apples instead for few days and get in shape. Then go look for other good guys. Nice?

I don't remember expressing my "mm songness" to you whenever you asked me for a favor. Like what the heck? So hard to do just to bring me out dinner?

I just had a row with my mom and we are both not on talking terms anymore. So she does her things separately and yeah, she never bothered cooking my portion of dinner. Nevermind. I'll just have apples.

I'll never, ever ask you for favor, even if I'm on the brink of dying. Never. I'll do things my own, I'll settle my problems myself. You give so many hidden excuses noting to me you don't want to drive me out to dinner or what not. Nevermind. I'll remember this. So difficult. Yes. And you're having your own sweet dinner outside. Good.

Very good. Talk so much but you could do almost nothing from what you said. I'll just reject every outings you ask me to go. I don't feel like going even the least, then sorry I'm not going out. Since you can't even sacrifice a little. I can't sacrifice anymore to you. I sacrificed too much.

ok LO makes everything so different. And so fast. I'll try saying OK LO I go take lo. You like it? If you don't intend on doing anything then don't fucking say you're going to do this or that. I hate empty promises.

Jac

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For days I've been having suicidal attempts at home. For hours I've been coped up in my room.

Why do I still o the things for them when it's not being appreciated? I still get scoldings, I still get humiliated, I'm still not respected. So why is it that I'm still doing everything for them? All the while they were being so calculative towards me.

This feeling of being uncared for is stripping my tear ducts out. I feel like stabbing myself with the knife I see when I enter the kitchen. I feel like cutting myself when I glanced through the scissors on my study table.

You asked me what's wrong, and all I could say is nothing when on the inside I'm actually crying for help. I'm crying out to be cared for. I'm crying out to be loved. But what do I get? I get scoldings from people closest to my heart. I'm simply pushed aside by them, thinking I'm nothing to them.

Every night I enter my dreams and I'm happy. But when I wake up, I just don't want to wake up. In this real world, no one understands me. No one knows what I need, even if I told them.

My whole life I lived like a slave, a servant. I serve others. And others just laugh at me. Laugh at my dumbness, my stupidity, my appearance, my confidence, my everything. You leave nothing to me. Take everything and leave me crying.

I have no more to give. I can't give. I can't even give myself the respect I need. Stop talking bullshit to me. I know they are not real and sincere. I'm another tool to be used by you.

I understand now. I'm a problem to everyone. Thanks to you, I understand now.

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I don't understand. I don't know why. Why? Is it who? Why? Why? How? I don't want I don't want.Why? What? Why?

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I'll shut my mouth. I'll keep everything to myself.

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I find myself looking for someone for solace. I feel like laying on my bed for long hours dismissing all the things and decisions I have yet to make. I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm terrified. I'm so much more. I don't want to think about it. But I have to do something. I don't know what are the consequences to the choices that I will need to make. I wish I could just laugh things off and be free with my friends.

I really want someone who knows my situation and tell me exactly which option to choose. I really don't want to go through it again and again. I don't want to regret either. Its always a bliss when everything seems fine. But I know things are not fine at all. I just don't know what is not fine. I just feel that something is not right.

I don't want to be confronted about anything right now. I just need some time alone to myself. I really need to think carefully and think deep. You don't know the level of fear I'm going through every single day of my life. With every decision and impacts that comes from it. And everything that has happened. I need more time. I don't feel right like this. Not now.

I want to be busy with things, but will I concentrate? Can I concentrate being busy? I doubt so. I'm doubting myself already, again. Am I stupid? Am I helpless? Am I stubborn? Why don't I listen? Why can't I just leave it there when it's done and over? I'm really scared!! BUT WHO THE HELL CARES AND UNDERSTAND??? THIS IS MY EFFING LIFE!!

I don't want to look back and regret making the choices right now. I don't want people telling me it's too late to know that my decision was wrong. Why burden me with your "I-Told-You-So" look? I just need good advice!! I just need some good guidance!! Not someone who doesn't even know how I feel, what I'm going through! Don't pretend you know everything and tell me what is best and what's not! You don't know anything at all!! Not one incident is ever the same! Who else can I trust?? Who else can I confide in?? Nobody can help me but myself! And how am I supposed to do that?? Don't fucking take my hand and try to guide me when it's all about you in the end. Don't be so selfish! Why so goddamn selfish? I just want a clear map... A map to where I really want to belong...

I want to concentrate on better things but I can't. This decision is weighing me down. I'm really tired and exhausted listening to the same thing over and over again when it doesn't even help me by a bit! I'm really really exhausted... Really really tired...

Can I isolate myself, and if I do, can I just disappear from you after that? Because I know what happens when I'm gone.

Jac

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I knew it was all a big prank joke when my friend told us she is in a relationship. I could smell something fishy going on, and the smell grew stronger this morning when my sixth sense told me to be prepared for the big prank. And I was correct. It IS a big prank. No relationship, no boyfriend, no proposing, no holding hands, no nothing. Just a big fat prank. Congrats Crystal. My condolences Denise. Ivy, the moon is quite round tonight.

I miss my...

I miss you.

I know you're going to say it's another post that makes me sound like I'm vain and cheap or slutty whatever. But.

I really miss having you beside me. I really miss the touch of your hands and your firm shoulder. I miss your soft cheek. I miss your smell. I miss your eyes. I miss everything. You're not the only one that misses everything. I miss them too. I just don't want to tell you and let you know. You'd just say I'm faking it or lying.

Sometimes I get frustrated inside not because of you. But because I want to make you feel better, to make you lower your stress, but I just can't. I know working is difficult. It's a tough world out there. I know why you ask me never to skip class and study hard. I know this is my last chance of study life, especially uni life. I don't want to burden you. I don't want to add on to your stress. I know I've told you this plenty of times before and you're almost sick of hearing it. But sometimes I wonder if your life would be so much easier without me pulling your hand back. I don't want to burden you.

I'm not thinking about negative things. But I do admit I think a lot. I always try my best to take away your stress and tensions. I know I'm not the perfect person to ease your troubles, but I'll always be ready when you need me. Though I may not be exactly right beside you in an instance when you call but I'm always here. I don't know if you feel it too. But I've gotten really attached to you.

I'm sorry if my actions sometimes comes off to be scary and in love. Maybe I am crazily in love. Maybe I want you more than you and I both know. I used to think if the way you used to feel about me was the same as the way I felt about E with his messages and calls that appears to be annoying to me. that time I really thought if I was annoying to you. I felt like the need to withdraw myself from you that time. So that you won't be scared off by me, just like E did when he knows I'm scared off and annoyed by him.

No, I'm not thinking about negative stuff. I just have to let this thing off my chest. It's been there for so long that it was taking over me. I don't need you to always be there for me. But I want you for myself only. Am I being scary again? I hope not. I hope that you want and need me for yourself only too.

You've earned money from work, and you should enjoy it. The reason why I never wanted you to buy gifts or stuffs for me is because I felt like you never reward yourself from all your hardwork before, and I really want you to reward yourself with the money you earn. Don't spend your hard earned money on something or someone that you are not sure will last until the gates in Heaven opens for you (when you're old). Reward yourself, pamper yourself with your hardwork. I want to pamper you, yes, but I have yet to earn a penny. I'm trying really hard to earn. All I could do in terms of pampering you is to give you my full love and support. It's the only valuable thing I have, and I hope you could bear with it until I could give you more. I want to give you more.

Nobody can really understand how I feel with all these things going on around me. Nobody but me alone. Every decisions, every things I do, every step I make, I feel for it. I feel a thousand kinds of feelings everytime I do something. It's just the way I am I guess. I can change it, but it will take time. Will I still be me then?

I post too much tonight. Really sleepy and tired now. Good night.

Jac

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I don't know what to write. But I know I have to change the way I write things. I'm not going to edit that post. Let it be there, it's the only way I can put it.

I went to Ice Room today after finding out I have to go to Yulek to get my parcel. I thought that since me and my friend is already here, we might as well as try the food at this cute cafe. Turns out to be quite a nice place to dine.

My friend ordered the lamb and beef steak and the meat was cooked to perfect. Not too raw and not too cooked. Just that the sauce was a bit weird.

I ordered nasi lemak, thinking that if something went wrong even with this simple dish then, well, you know. Nothing else is right. In fact what I noticed was quite a number of people ordered nasi lemak and I thought maybe its their specialty. It arrived quite fast and for RM7.50 it's quite an average plate of nasi lemak. The special thing is that its sambal. Sweet and not too spicy. I was really full when I finished it.

We also ordered this tropicana ais kacang thing. But no peanuts. Lots of fruits like strawberry, mango, and soursop. It's really nice and not too sweet. I'd try the green tea one next time I'm there again.

After lunch we went to Yulek to get my parcel and it was already raining then. Got home around 4pm and had a shower. When it was dinner time, I accidentally dropped a plate and it scared the shit out of my baby Lucky. Mom said he ran so fast to his corner. Damn funny the way he ran. He was scared shit. So near to the place where the plate fall too. Poor Lucky. His mouth smells.

Jac

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I never thought that everything would happen so quickly in just a few days. I thought of giving it a week or so before really jumping in. But fact is, I was already falling on my knees. I couldn't deny my feelings. I couldn't bear watching another in his arms.

And Alice was a good bait. Too bad the movie wasn't up to my expectations. What happened throughout the movie wasn't what I expected either!

I went to the movies with him, thinking it will just be a friendly movie get together (or so I thought). Got into his car and things just somehow kind of revert back to the old days when we first met. That kind of feeling and aura that surrounds the air between both of us is inexplicable.


We bought the tickets and the popcorns and went into the cinema. Never would I thought he'd have this idea in his head when he whispered "Kiss Me" in my ears. I must say I hesitated. Should I? Should I not? Should I? Should I not? *Inching closer* Should I?? Should I not?? Before I knew it, he leaned in closer and fast and well yeah. It felt like a surge of electric went through my body when our lips... Ahh... LOL

I'm sorry dear readers. Information overload.

Before we knew it we were holding hands in the dark cinema and cuddled like we never cuddle before. I really miss it now.

Felt like my body relaxed when I hugged him. I place the book he lent and the bottle of water he gave on the bedside table. I know it's just a bottle of water. But to me it's much more than that. =)

I could write more but my mind is all fogged up.

Jac

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This is a nice song I stumbled upon in Youtube while listening to Beyonce's Sweet Dreams. Enjoy...

Beyonce - Broken Hearted Girl



You're everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could've been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You're the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I'd love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you're the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can't erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I'll be there at the end of the day

I don't wanna be without you babe
I don't want a broken heart
Don't wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don't want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don't want a broken heart
And I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl
No...No
No broken-hearted girl
I'm no broken-hearted girl

Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I've always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you've got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you're not deserving me
And still you're in my heart
But you're the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don't complain
Cause I've been afraid that you would've walk away
Oh but now I don't hate you
I'm happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

I don't wanna be without you babe
I don't want a broken heart
Don't wanna take breath with out you babe
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don't want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don't want a broken heart
And I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl...
No No
No broken-hearted girl

Now I'm at a place I thought I'd never beOooo
I'm living in a world thats all about you and me yeah
Ain't gotta be afraid my broken heart is free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away With you
yeah yeah yeah, ohh ohh ohh

I don't wanna be without my baby
I don't wanna a broken heart
Don't want to take a breath with out my baby
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don't want to love you in no kind of way..No..No
I don't want a broken heart
I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl..No..No..
No broken-hearted girl
Broken-hearted girl Nono
No broken-hearted girl
No broken-hearted girl

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It's 1.30am already and my mom and sister is not home yet! What is taking them so long? I heard they were still at Changi Airport 4 hours ago. Couldn't have taken them this long to reach home could they?

And where is my package of clothes?? I wonder if the postman have troubles delivering the package to my unnumbered house. But one wouldn't be so stupid as to not know which house is 27!! Oh my goodness. Just look at the neighbouring houses! Geez.

I have yet to watch Alice in Wonderland in 3D. I guess I just have to wait until Astro comes out with that movie. No 3D never mind. Just want to watch it.

Can't believe one short post like this actually takes me 8 minutes to write. Wonder what Kenny Sia have to go through everyday. Lol poor him with all the fans waiting for him.

Jac

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I've lost my appetite for who knows how long. I've lost sense of time and date. I could feel the bones on my shoulder everytime I take my shower. Just like I would say in all theother times, I'll take this like a diet. At least I'm losing some fats.

A friend of mine once told me : Even if you put a smile on your face, everyone can tell you're really sad inside and you're going through a tough time. It all shows in your eyes.

No wonder I kept taking new pictures. I don't feel like the pictures I take is satisfying. It is missing something.

I don't know who I can believe anymore. I don't want to listen to what people have to say but at the same time I want to listen. How do I actually express how I feel? Sometimes it's like expressing my feelings doesn't even work. I'll still feel the same. Unsatisfied. Unhappy.

I'm just waiting to get past this horrible time and feeling. I know there are more people out there with worst situations than I am. Some don't even have food, water or shelter. I should be thankful and glad I have all those. Sigh.

I want to close my eyes and think of nothing. I keep thinking of things to keep me busy and to make the time tick faster everyday. Waking up is something I don't really look forward to anymore. I prefer going to sleep and dream. Everything feels ok when I'm in my dreams. When I wake up, felt like nightmare is just about to begin. I know there are lots of assignments to do. I should be doing them. But I kept pushing them to tomorrow, when I don't look forward to tomorrow.

I feel like eating tosai tisu now. I'm hungry. Lol. So weird.

Can't go out. And I don't want to go out. I've noticed my face is getting clearer. I haven't had pimples on my face for almost a month already (apart from the only one small pimple I had from rushing assignments at 3am). I should be confident enough to go out but no I'm not. It's not about confidence anymore. I can wear pretty clothes and go out, but there are no more reasons to wear pretty clothes.

My puppy's mouth stinks! Gosh, but it's still cute. Smelly boy. Haha...

Waiting for my mom and sis to come home. Apparently my sister doesn't start work so early yet. No more Singapore trip I guess. =(

Jac

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Today my day begins quite well, although tiring. I had to wake up at 6 plus in the morning to fetch my brother to school, only to return home cleaning up my puppy's mess. Then I went back to bed for another hour or so before waking up at 10am. Wished I could sleep longer.

My mind is totally blank right now.

I wonder when my clothes will arrive by post. I've been waiting to get my hands on them and my body into them! Hope it turns up really nice and fitting like the pictures on the website.

I wanna dye my hair either this week or next. And then go to see the dentist for my braces. Needs to clean, extract tooth and get a mold of my teeth arrangements first. Sounds scary and painful but for the sake of having perfect healthy teeth, I gotta do what I gotta do. Get braces.

Been so bored lately, maybe I'm going to watch some Studio Ghibli anime movie later. Haven't had proper lunch lately due to loss of appetite and just not feeling hungry. My body is getting weaker with chest pains and feverish body. Thank God I'm not having headache or insomnia. That is gone already.

I'll blog again later at night. Tons of housework to do since my mom is in Johor right now with some relative. My sister went to Singapore to work and I'm the only "maid" in the house now. Haha.. Hope there will be chance of visiting my sister in Singapore during my semester break in late April. Really miss her a lot.

Jac

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Today was really a surprising day. So many things happen within such short hours. I hope everyday is like this! This is really making life so much fun and exciting!

Apart from the fun, my thumb and index finger got burned by the hot pan when I was cooking some dish for dinner. Now it felt medium raw. I could barely feel anything there now. I guess that's the punishment for excessive thinking while cooking at the same time. Then, I got lost on my way to Petaling Jaya for some insurance lesson. I took the wrong ramp thinking it was the bridge at Sunway and end up at some place I don't know where it was. But I did not panic. I drove around as if I was cruising the seas. It was so relaxing at first but when things and buildings keep appearing everytime i make some random turnings I thought, shit, am I going in circles?? There goes my petrol.

When I finally got to the Federal Highway, a motorcyclist nearly hit the side of my car. Moreover Myvi is like a tin of Milo. I wonder what would have happened then if I turned into the highway a second too late. Then there was this crazy pedestrian trying to cross the HIGHWAY and I nearly ran her over. Gave me some heart attack. Two of this in just 30 seconds. WTH!

When it was all done and I reached uni, I sat at the library waiting for my friend to go to class together. Then I saw him. The blue formal shirt with the sleeves pulled up near the elbow and the white tie tied up neatly around his neck and not hanging low, his oh so sexy fitting black pants and that matching leather shoes. Oh how my eyes popped. I craned my neck over just to try and get a peek at him behind the pillar where he was talking with his friends. I thought to myself, walk out a bit so I can see you!!

But he didn't, and I tried another way. I slowly walked out of the library and stood at the entrance instead to catch my friend, and also perhaps catch a glimpse of him, but I didn't. Still blocked by another pillar. Then he exit the library! Oh and our eyes met for 2 seconds. 2 seconds and it got me feeling like I was electrocuted. He wasn't really good looking but he is good looking and manly. He have some flaws but it just made me want to look at him even more. Then he head towards the stairs and this time, he turned, looked into my eyes again as I looked into his, and he gave a small faint smile. There. My world stopped for a moment.

I could never recall his face except for that feeling he left me. Felt so... alive. So refreshing. So nice. So... too early to say that... But I made up my mind. To be at the entrance of the library next Tuesday, same time, in hopes that I will meet him again. And have that eye contact with him again. It feels like high school once again where sparks flew just with one eye contact. Oh man you got me. I felt ecstatic and hyper!

I wonder if I would be able to see him again. Just to recall that moment even though he is no one but a stranger to me. A good looking formal wearing white tie manly stranger. Though it may sound weird and perhaps desperate, but perhaps it is in times of desperate moments do I realise the thrill of life. I love it. Desperate or not.

Jac

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Now I know I'm not alone. Just had a long chat with a long lost friend and apprently he had quite the similar problems that I have, just that his was much more severe. So I'm not alone. So I have someone to talk to now that understands my feelings. Thankful to have this chat. Feel so relieved.

Thanks.

Jac

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Now it's just like "everyone have their own problems, and they're just minding their problems". That's how I feel towards my uni mate. It's kind of like I'm the one watching my story in other people's place. And I figured, well maybe that's why it didn't happen. I'm sorry, you don't understand? Too confusing? Yeah. That's my objective.

For sure that I need time to "Alt+F4" my feelings that I harboured on him for 2 years. 2 years! How could someone actually be with someone without really whole heartedly loving them? This is just a part of life I have to go through. I see everyone walking past me and I remind myself that these people also went through the same thing and they are doing OK. So why not me? I'm trying.

It really hurts knowing that the person you love don't really love you back the way you do. It's like being cheated emotionally. But then, what is the point of me moping around when I'm nothing significant or special to him? And I tell myself everyday I don't want to end up going through what my mom went through. All the divorces and affairs. It will be too late to be sorry then.

I allow myself to cry, to cry the one month tear that I kept within myself. I cried the night before my birthday, I cried so badly my throat hurts. My eyes hurts. My head spins round and round and it felt like someone is hammering into my head as I let the tears flow. I didn't know why I cried that night. But I couldn't stop. And I don't know when it happend. It just happened. I just cried. That's how it felt like crying 30 days of tears in one night.

I believe one day I'll meet someone who will treat me better. Someone who would finally love me more than he loves himself. Someone who would give no matter what, as I would. Someone who'd truly understand me and not just saying it.

I know it meant nothing to him. Just another girl, NEXT! Then let him be. Why tell him his faults? Why teach him what to do next time? There is absolutely no need of any of that. He never learns, and he never will. To even have so much of him in this post it just makes this post so sick and disgusting.

I feel like there are lots of things to do but I can't seem to figure out what the tasks are. I know I have to bring Lucky to the vet on 10th April, eat medicine twice a day, go to the dentist, then what else? I want to dye my hair in April. Then I'll go to Singapore to meet my sister and friends there. I already miss my sister. I even cried this morning when I missed saying goodbye and walking them to the door. I'm such a cry baby. But at least I show emotions. Unlike someone.

Jac

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*Yawns* I'm tired and bored. Things have been quite hectic for me. And I know my baby blog have been crying from neglect. My new house still have not install internet yet, let alone telephone line.

Last week was not fun. Had to rush my (two) assignments on the due date itself and go to Jalan Raja Laut to see the Skin Specialist doctor. Cost me another (RM260) BOMB! Well actually my mom but... my heart pains to see my mom fork out that hard earned money. I promise I would cure it ASAP!

After one week of taking the medications it's better already. No more itches no more redness. Feel so relieved. After two more weeks I have to go back for follow-up. Sigh. Hope those scars can fade away faster.

I straightened my hair two days ago. It's so soft, just like before. This time it's much more manageable and light. Gonna dye it in April I guess. Have to let my hair rest after the iron plates.

I have so much more to say, but I just can't put them into words. They are alwys changing. My mind is always changing. I don't know what you want. I don't know what I want. I want to study overseas if I have the opportunity, but I still want to stay here. I really don't know what I want.

Jac

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