Need an Outlet, Desperately

I guess blogging is and will remain the best place for me to let it all out. I've been like a barrel full of water with continuous flow-ins all the time. No outlets what so ever. I feel like I was about to explode, emotionally.

First it was the thing about money. I don't get a stable monthly allowance. I only get it when I'm being asked if I needed any. I just don't have the gut to ask from my parents for money that I will be spending easily on pop corns and sodas which they have earned so hard. I just can't.

So that made me a dull Jac(k). Not much outings with friends. Not even a single ringgit to spend on some roti canai and a cup of milo. So pathetic. Yet I still have to crack my stupid brain for gifts on Christmas Day. What a complete bummer this December. I remember having a good time last Christmas in Hong Kong. I'm so depressed because of money. Sigh. And I have to tell my mom we have to pay the school fees with our own money first because the loan won't come after the due date of the bill. Stupid loan.

Then I was feeling really sad and depressed. Recently I got by this gay couple's profile in Facebook and I went through their photos. I thought to myself, even gay couples have a "couple album". Me? After nearly 2 years not even a single one. But I comforted myself by going through the sweetest straight couple's photos and told myself that they don't have one too so I don't have to be sad over this.

Having someone might be nice and sweet. But sometimes when that someone isn't what you expect him to be, you just feel like you bought a fake Rolex watch for the original price. Felt so un-special when Christmas is so near. No it's not about the gifts. It's about the feeling. Sigh can anyone understand my language??

I used to let it all out to him, telling all my frustrations and problems, not needing him to solve but JUST TO LISTEN, but he don't get it. He felt the need to help me and solve them for me. Yes, I understand the situation he is in, but at the same time I hope he does too. Once I expressed my emotions to him and he just couldn't take it anymore which really snapped me back to reality.

I must close myself and sew back the crack that I've opened so widely for him before. Now I felt the need to contain all emotions from him and not letting him know. Kind of reverting back to the old me, in hopes to exclude the emo part. I might bring a small part of him with me today. I will show only happiness, enshrouding the dark and sad parts of myself from him. Feels like suicide but somehow I feel like I'm feeding again. At least I'm feeling again. At least I'm back from zero gravity. Sometimes people need to remind themselves that you are living in a real world, not a fantasy. That's what I'm doing.

I don't know if this time my writings have changed or it is more difficult to decipher the words in between the lines. I do hope to see my baby blog grow again. But for that to happen, it's either with good happy stories or bad sad ones. Which is to say, I think the bad and sad ones is here to stay for quite some time first... =') I'm crying, but I'm smiling. Do you understand?