What's the word again...?

I'm pissed but I can't show it. I'm sad yet I can't cry. I'm making a mask to cover my emotions. I feel like I was already taking my first step backwards, back to how I was before. I'm trying my best to keep my posture as I do this but one thing is different for sure. I wasn't crying so badly like I did, but the tears were all contained in my heart, which felt like it's going to explode every second, every minute, every day when I opened my eyes. I felt like disappearing from this world for one day. I felt like planning an escapade to somewhere far.

I don't want to feel the need to babysit someone. To look after someone. To be cautious and aware of the actions of someone. I felt tired. I feel like it's sucking from the core of my energy even when I'm already breaking down. Sometimes I feel like giving up. All the times I hope there would be a better one out there.

Knowing too much is a poison to yourself. But I can't keep my hands off of the pool of "knowledge". I really wanted to know. I wanted to be in the clear zone. I don't want to be clouded all the time. But even though I know that the truth may hurt more than never, I still run towards and leap into that poisonous pool. No one is there to save me. No one can save me. No antidotes for the poison, just bearing with it until it goes away by itself.

So the question is how much longer can I stand? I feel so much yet I can't describe that kind of odd feeling in me that I felt last time and starting to feel now. So what is that feeling? What is this word I'm searching for?