your reply is in a mess at this moment in time, 
i thought of the pigeon beside the fountain,
the sweetness is scattered.

a mysterious tugging of my emotions 
i'm still loving you.
but you continued singing pretending that nothing has happened.

time has passed and left, 
love is faced with a choice. 
you've become cold and i've cried the unhappiness you felt when you left, 
you just wrote them down on a card. 
sometimes love can only be like this and it's really painful.

what happened, you're tired, where is the happiness that we agreed on?
i understand, don't say anymore, love has weakened, my dreams have drifted. being happy or not, narrating them one after another, you cant bear it. those feelings of loving were way too deep, i can still remember them.

you're not waiting anymore, wheres the happiness that we agreed on?i was wrong, tears have dried, we've let go, we've regretted. 
only that musical box of memories still continue to turn, how can it be stopped?

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People have been telling me and saying the same things. Why do you want to be with someone that constantly make you cry and isolated? He is not your husband, certainly not someone who feeds you or that you depend on to live. So why? 

Why, you people ask me?

I have no idea. Maybe love is still blind for me after 2 years. I can't deny my feelings. But I agree, I've suffered. I'm in pain. I'm deeply affected by littlest things by him. Be it good or bad. I tried hard to keep cool with everything. But it's really difficult. It really is.

I surrender. I'm not giving up trying, but i give up trying to act cool with it. I've my feelings to be taken care of. He wouldn't. I would, but I need time, I need more energy, more confidence.

My head hurts from all of these, but I just want to solve it now. I don't want to delay it much further. He just wants to put it aside and pretend it doesn't exist. What about me? Doesn't he care to think how I may be feeling? How I'm doing?

I'm scared of being common or same as others. And I definitely won't admit loss to people that I've surpassed. It may seem like my situation is heading the way as it did with others, but inside, I hate it. I hate how similar it is going to be. I hate getting the same treatments be it good or bad. I hate getting the same ending just like any other. I hate them all. Which was why I strive to make things myself. Create my own ways, my own behavior. But in the end, it's all the same result that I get. And I hate it. 

My heart is heavy. It's been heavy for the past few weeks. It's been close to a month already. I don't know how he feels towards me. It's been a confusing month. In just one conversation there can be two judgement. One positive and one negative. 

I simply hate the way he treats me. I hate the way he thinks. Things have to end. 

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What? "Ok lo"? You know what? Fine. Nevermind. I don't need your "sigh-need-to-accomodate-to-your-needs" kind of attitude concerns. I don't need your help. As if fetching me out for dinner is something painful to your ass.

I'll just eat apples instead for few days and get in shape. Then go look for other good guys. Nice?

I don't remember expressing my "mm songness" to you whenever you asked me for a favor. Like what the heck? So hard to do just to bring me out dinner?

I just had a row with my mom and we are both not on talking terms anymore. So she does her things separately and yeah, she never bothered cooking my portion of dinner. Nevermind. I'll just have apples.

I'll never, ever ask you for favor, even if I'm on the brink of dying. Never. I'll do things my own, I'll settle my problems myself. You give so many hidden excuses noting to me you don't want to drive me out to dinner or what not. Nevermind. I'll remember this. So difficult. Yes. And you're having your own sweet dinner outside. Good.

Very good. Talk so much but you could do almost nothing from what you said. I'll just reject every outings you ask me to go. I don't feel like going even the least, then sorry I'm not going out. Since you can't even sacrifice a little. I can't sacrifice anymore to you. I sacrificed too much.

ok LO makes everything so different. And so fast. I'll try saying OK LO I go take lo. You like it? If you don't intend on doing anything then don't fucking say you're going to do this or that. I hate empty promises.

Jac

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For days I've been having suicidal attempts at home. For hours I've been coped up in my room.

Why do I still o the things for them when it's not being appreciated? I still get scoldings, I still get humiliated, I'm still not respected. So why is it that I'm still doing everything for them? All the while they were being so calculative towards me.

This feeling of being uncared for is stripping my tear ducts out. I feel like stabbing myself with the knife I see when I enter the kitchen. I feel like cutting myself when I glanced through the scissors on my study table.

You asked me what's wrong, and all I could say is nothing when on the inside I'm actually crying for help. I'm crying out to be cared for. I'm crying out to be loved. But what do I get? I get scoldings from people closest to my heart. I'm simply pushed aside by them, thinking I'm nothing to them.

Every night I enter my dreams and I'm happy. But when I wake up, I just don't want to wake up. In this real world, no one understands me. No one knows what I need, even if I told them.

My whole life I lived like a slave, a servant. I serve others. And others just laugh at me. Laugh at my dumbness, my stupidity, my appearance, my confidence, my everything. You leave nothing to me. Take everything and leave me crying.

I have no more to give. I can't give. I can't even give myself the respect I need. Stop talking bullshit to me. I know they are not real and sincere. I'm another tool to be used by you.

I understand now. I'm a problem to everyone. Thanks to you, I understand now.

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I don't understand. I don't know why. Why? Is it who? Why? Why? How? I don't want I don't want.Why? What? Why?

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I'll shut my mouth. I'll keep everything to myself.

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I find myself looking for someone for solace. I feel like laying on my bed for long hours dismissing all the things and decisions I have yet to make. I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm terrified. I'm so much more. I don't want to think about it. But I have to do something. I don't know what are the consequences to the choices that I will need to make. I wish I could just laugh things off and be free with my friends.

I really want someone who knows my situation and tell me exactly which option to choose. I really don't want to go through it again and again. I don't want to regret either. Its always a bliss when everything seems fine. But I know things are not fine at all. I just don't know what is not fine. I just feel that something is not right.

I don't want to be confronted about anything right now. I just need some time alone to myself. I really need to think carefully and think deep. You don't know the level of fear I'm going through every single day of my life. With every decision and impacts that comes from it. And everything that has happened. I need more time. I don't feel right like this. Not now.

I want to be busy with things, but will I concentrate? Can I concentrate being busy? I doubt so. I'm doubting myself already, again. Am I stupid? Am I helpless? Am I stubborn? Why don't I listen? Why can't I just leave it there when it's done and over? I'm really scared!! BUT WHO THE HELL CARES AND UNDERSTAND??? THIS IS MY EFFING LIFE!!

I don't want to look back and regret making the choices right now. I don't want people telling me it's too late to know that my decision was wrong. Why burden me with your "I-Told-You-So" look? I just need good advice!! I just need some good guidance!! Not someone who doesn't even know how I feel, what I'm going through! Don't pretend you know everything and tell me what is best and what's not! You don't know anything at all!! Not one incident is ever the same! Who else can I trust?? Who else can I confide in?? Nobody can help me but myself! And how am I supposed to do that?? Don't fucking take my hand and try to guide me when it's all about you in the end. Don't be so selfish! Why so goddamn selfish? I just want a clear map... A map to where I really want to belong...

I want to concentrate on better things but I can't. This decision is weighing me down. I'm really tired and exhausted listening to the same thing over and over again when it doesn't even help me by a bit! I'm really really exhausted... Really really tired...

Can I isolate myself, and if I do, can I just disappear from you after that? Because I know what happens when I'm gone.

Jac

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